I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
