Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
