in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You're a waste of cheezeits
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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