im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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