I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
