I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
