In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
