So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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