I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
