It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
