By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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