I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
