This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
being pregnant is like rehab
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
