Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
