Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
