I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
