My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
