I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
