I just gift wrapped bread.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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