the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
