Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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