the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
