There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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