i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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