I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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