He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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