He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
