Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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