just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
