So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
nutella sex= disaster
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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