I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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