I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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