Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
