my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
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