i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
