My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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