a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
