I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
