I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
