I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
