How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
