New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you win again, gameday.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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