there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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