I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
