I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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