I could have mohawked her pubes.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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