I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It was like giving head to a cactus.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
