Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
