Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
