I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
